Scorpio Moon

may 8, 2020

13 Drafts in the Sea of Self-Doubt
I am crying out
In isolation, the poet in me speaks
through endless couplets, circling

I write these word with a dirty face
self-care is scarce some days
but through this lack I see cold, hard truths

scorpio moon, you absolute psychosis inducing
temptress of tantrums
of power, lust, desire, needs

never to be fulfilled, only fed
made fat and throbbing
pulsating like a wound you can’t keep clean

illuminating all things left unseen in the brighter light
you shine, you luminous shrine
when I’m feeling bitter, I collapse in your sight

you, lady luna, you love to see me cry
release the fears and hurts from the ducts in my eyes
and I, I don’t know why, I resist, run, and hide

when I can feel the well of pain deep inside
it just hurts to dig deep sometimes, brene brown
to find the compassion and courage I’ve been doing without

no chance to shine my light in the ways I am used to,
grown accustomed to growing so tall
being told my strengths gives the feeling of reaching into the clouds

vulnerability feels like a knife in my side
it did then, too, when I had to use it every day in the real world
feeling like a spectacle, a fawn vying to keep legs straight and grounded

my heart would race as danger was certainly near
fear of failure swept from my cranium to my crossed ankles
the anxiety of being too much or not enough,
still haunts, still trickles through synovial fluid
clenched jaw, shoulders rise to kiss my ears where they don’t belong

But things are different now, Mother Moon.
I may wallow in your light at times,
when I feel utterly disintegrated

But I, despite fear and hurts, surrender to your presence
to make me feel alive and not
A mass of flesh and bones,
uncontrolled, unrecovered and remiss

I sink into the earth like stone, eroded
I forgive myself for scorn and hate
I forgive myself for letting myself get this way
I forgive myself for letting fear wreak havoc

I turn my face to the moon and surrender
In the grounding I’ve found I become more than
A mass of flesh and bone
wallow morphs to exploratory movement
I discover my feet, my legs, my hands, and my arms,
I stretch up high, straight up at you,
oh glorious Moon, you all-knowing goddess of pleasure and truth

healing happens when we shift awareness from the mind’s delusions, negative thought patterns, and perpetuation of suffering,
to the body’s solidity, pleasure, and sense of purpose and will.
with intention, we can move from disintegrated to whole.
this is a daily practice for me and it has served to illuminate truth, increase self-love and self-awareness,
and dispel the lies of the inner critic and shame of the ego.

may you be happy and well,

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