Crystal Heart

March 8, 2020
Monk by the Sea // Caspar David Friedrich // 1808/1810
A supermoon in virgo comes
with her jittery energy;
her "what can I do for you?" attitude.

Every day as of late I've been lost in a vortex
Jolted downwards to face ugly parts of me
backwards into my painful childhood
forwards into what the future holds
and back up again, to see
reality // the real
everyone looking at me
in awe of my strength, resolve,
generosity, ability to know
instinctively, intuitively,
what a person needs
false reality // the real to me
with everyone looking at me,
I see danger; a chance to let you all down
I feel shame;
have I already let you down?
I feel your needs;
what can I do for you?
I disintegrate
Ophelia // John Everett Millais // Around 1851

Surrounding this heavy immobile crystal heart, the shards find solace and sanctuary, so as long as they are not alone.
Some poor shards, a more daunting destination. Places that, all together, the pieces could not reach.
The portal too disjointed and incomplete.
So forms a looking glass of sorts. A crystal ball, so full of fractures and fissures, that it must be tilted just right to fully see.

Flower1 // Doyang Zu // 2011

During the time of writing this entry, I was listening to Alice Miller’s Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self. Below are a few quotes that hit home for me, a fragmented survivor of childhood trauma, doing my best to gracefully and lovingly nurse the wounds that my parents gave me. They, too, were doing their best to do the same as the raised an inquisitive and sensitive child who saw their pain and did her best to take it away.

“Without realizing that the past is constantly determining their present actions, they avoid learning anything about their history. They continue to live in their repressed childhood situation, ignoring the fact that is no longer exists, continuing to fear and avoid dangers that, although once real, have not been real for a long time.” 

“These people have all developed the art of not experiencing feelings, for a child can experience her feelings only when there is somebody there who accepts her fully, understands her, and supports her. If that person is missing, if the child must risk losing the mother’s love or the love of her substitute in order to feel, then she will repress her emotions. She cannot even experience them secretly, “just for herself”; she will fail to experience them at all. But they will nevertheless stay in her body, in her cells, stored up as information that can be triggered by a later event.” 

“In order to become whole we must try, in a long process, to discover our own personal truth, a truth that may cause pain before giving us a new sphere of freedom. If we choose instead to content ourselves with intellectual “wisdom,” we will remain in the sphere of illusion and self-deception.” 

“We become free by transforming ourselves from unaware victims of the past into responsible individuals in the present, who are aware of our past and are thus able to live with it.” 

Alice Miller, The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self

The circumstances created by COVID-19 have given to us, forcefully and ruthlessly, an opportunity for healing. Perhaps you are overwhelmed by all of the sickness in the world, feeling as though you’ve been stripped of control. Anxious. Afraid. Hopeless.
I’d like to take a moment to acknowledge you. You, reading this stream of consciousness, sharing in the collective experience, hopefully feeling less alone in your sorrow, your loneliness, your trauma, whatever you are experiencing at this time.
Whether you are isolated from your family or with your family, you are likely to be examining your relationships and past experiences. Reliving memories that haunt you, alone in the dark. Reenacting hurtful scripts with loved ones that you learned long before you’d developed a strong sense of Self, taking on your parent’s insecurities and projections. Heavy, heavy stuff. Deep, cloudy waters. I see you. I acknowledge your immeasurable, significant suffering.
And I invite you, to acknowledge your feelings during this time, in full acceptance, patience, love, and grace. I hold time and space for you.
So does the universe, where time and space are unending, forever. Take this time in full embrace, to heal and integrate. To face your demons, to reconnect with your inner voice, to rewire your neural pathways to radical self-love and worth.
A wise Soul once gave me the advice to speak aloud, to myself, kindly, and console myself like I would someone else when I am feeling anxious. So I speak to the little girl inside me who deserves all the love I can give. Seriously, I imagine myself as a child and lovingly comfort her, just like I would comfort you.

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