Balance is our natural state.
I like to think that this notion of coming home really does make sense,
because we are not trying to achieve balance,
but rather return to it.
The path to balance isn’t always in the “doing.” It can be about the undoing.
Both require listening.
– Adriene Mishler
Searching for Stillness
In the gentle boom of the voice of Ram Dass, I sit calmly
then restless, calm, restless
boundless in energy I have not yet learned to fully harness.
The guru speaks:
"I am loving awareness"
I am reminded that I am supposed to be
meditating, but I cannot find the stillness within me
I ponder whether I can live this mantra, sinking into a sea of self doubt, restless in my cushioned comfiness.
The guru speaks:
"to love awareness is to love everything
you are
aware of
the sky (of course)
the room (I do)
your body (working on it)
other people (I try)"
To live this mantra takes a lot, or so it seems in this moment of darkness.
I close my eyes and whisper,
"I am loving awareness"
I remember: this is not so simply another action to be performed,
but a sacred state of being, in order to do.
And so it goes,
“We are human beings,
Not human doings.”
Searching for Peace
What does this mean? What exactly does it mean, to just be? Is it enough to just be? To sit comfortably in meditation stillness and sedation deep within our biochemical processes? the majority of our neurotransmitters act to inhibit unwanted movements, thoughts, processes. Is to Be, an extension of our brains already homeostatic state? Through practice, can we quiet the cortex more and more until some ultimate and immersive Oneness is achieved? My ADD brain is a thunderstorm My thoughts come fast and I am stricken, continuously, by brilliant nonlinear insights seemingly unrelated, until I give time and space for them to all connect in a synchronous and solid tangience Feelings, a hurricane In a moment, violently flooding I cannot choose to let them flow or to contain them I cannot choose how they are expressed, how intense, or whose houses are damaged by the eruption psychs call it rejection sensitivity dysphoria albeit deeply disruptive to my day to day, I am coming to understand this to be a benefit, a wondrous experience of self-induced purification and healing For months, I practiced stillness, quiet, calm, syncing with the breath. Going into nature. Feeling the oneness with the Earth. Divine Love. my breath is the wind that makes the trees bance as it so expands my lungs. I expire carbon dioxide for the very trees that inspire me.
This is where I write, “Finish at the creek,” close my journal, and reluctantly go to sleep.
Finding Time and Making Space
I am here now, in a place of still and what is holding me back from deep connection? The gentle breeze just right sun bright the sway of the trees quite quiet water babbling in bubbles a deliberately slow rush leaves rustle slow down. take it in. Aren't I home now? Isn't this truth? Nature surrounding me, giving me breath. or is it my body working against me, preventing depth? slouched chest. lengthen and stretch. make space Again, I speak the words, gently pleading they ring true in time... I am loving awareness.
Thank you for visiting. I hope you find gentle stillness today, however fleeting, may they find you with love and comfort. Namaste.
self-discovery, scientifically 
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